Growing up I have a very poisonous thought, that is constantly jabbing my head with countless of unnecessary issues from time to time. I always tend to compare myself with others and always thought of myself as the consolation prize and not the actual prize. How pathetic is that? These types of thinking are lethal, especially to someone who are unrelentingly over-analyzing every single words and actions being thrown at them.

I have lost count on how many times I shed tears whenever I bow down to my Creator. I was at that point in life where everything triggered me emotionally, and mentally even. I was at that point in my life last year where over-analyzing has come and go into my life and became a permanent side of me. I knew 2017 was going to be challenging – it was the same year everyone around me would expect I’d “get a job” as soon as I graduated, but 2017 has pushed me to the curb spiritually as well as emotionally. It is dreadful that every time I go about my life, I have to put on a mask and pretend that everything is okay – that I am okay.

I faked being strong this whole time. I mastered the art of being strong. I can’t really know as to why its hard for me to share these thoughts to anyone closest to me. Granted, I do have a handful of people that I genuinely trust, yet whenever I’m at my lowest point, I always resort to being alone and keeping all of these hateful thoughts to myself. I guess I never really want to bother anyone about my problems, or maybe I thought that I was strong enough to handle it. I’m not. I’m just not used to “talking it out” or even voicing it out to anyone. This whole time, I’ve been praying so much to be happy. To feel happy. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.

At one point of my life, I just want to end all this. I thought to myself, as I always do, what is it that I am searching for? what is it that is so hard to find that simply can just make me feel… happy?

I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. Let me live.

“to fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness”

“when you truly accept your flaws, no one can use them against you”

The days pass slowly but the years fly by, I have found out the fix to the hole in my heart. What I’ve been searching for is.. self love. I finally have truly believe self love must come first. These are the sayings I keep reminding myself on a daily basis. Self love helps you creates happiness. Your happiness matters. My happiness matters. Our thoughts precede our emotions and behaviours. For me, turning down the volume of your inner critic and choose to be your best coach or cheerleader definitely helped. Always positive self-talk yourself. Who else is going to change you than yourself? No matter how frequent people tell you how beautiful or smart or intelligent you are, it is you who choose to believe it or not. Whether its true or not. It is you who change yourself from thinking you’re not to you are. It is you. It is I.

My maid once told me to never give up on Allah S.W.T and to also never give up in your prayers as He is and forever will be listening. I took in what she had told me and I prayed and prayed like I never prayed before. There will be times where I still, or rather, just can’t seem to believe in my self, but I believe in my prayers and I believe in His will. In those times when I bow down to my Creator is one of the many moments in my life where I feel truly at ease and content.

Growing up, I always thought to make yourself feel happy or rather, demandable and enviable is by showing more skin, tight clothing, glitters and lace. I thought sexy was beautiful. I crave for that “big reward”. We are living in the social media era where posting selfies are the new “in trend”. Children as young as 8 to 10 years old are already mastering the art of selfies. People these days are blinded by the number of likes rather than trying and competing to impress our Creator.

“Dont be blinded. Dont be obtuse. Dont be confuse” I reminded myself,

“be not what people want and expect you to be, but be who you think you are. Be your happy-self”.

When you have total control of your body and mind, no one can touch you. You are free. Then choose to be free. Choose to be happy. Obliterate all the negative thoughts you have swirling around in your head, and switch on or rather put on the positive thinking cap! Because the world is a larger place for you to waste around to wallow in self pity.

I am exactly what Allah S.W.T has made me, I am not a mistake, I am exactly what He wanted me to be. Anything He gives, I will take. All the flawed and faulted, I will take. So I stopped with these disrespectful expectations I created in my head a long time ago; especially with the expectations to be perfect. I admit, I was caved by all the advertisements sold by merchants and retailers, “buy this, you will be desirable. You wear this, you will be demandable”. NO. I bought, I wore, I consumed. So why was I undesirable still? undemandable still? unlovable still? and most importantly, unhappy still?

I did everything the world tells me to be. “Be pretty. Be bright. Be sexy”. But then I forgot what fades first is always the exterior – the outer layer. I failed to remember that I am not my cover layer. I was definitely deafened by the lies of the world into thinking that beauty lies at the outer layer of ourselves. I failed to remember that beauty lies from within.

Self love is highly essential as it creates faith in yourself and with that it helps boost up your inner confidence. Plus, it looks gorgeous on you! You can definitely tell when a person have that level of confidence about themselves and that they show appreciation about themselves. To me, that is not being selfish nor conceited. Its a brilliantly beautiful to be happy with yourself and also with who you are. Keep shining ladies!

Have you found happiness?